Why can't we not be sober? 

I just want to start this over. 

Why can't we drink forever. 

I just want to start things over!




These days, I am going with 2 parts whiskey,

1 part denial, a little ice, and . . . doh, no room for mixer! 









Someone outside the door . . . WON'T LET'EM IN!!


Cuz I'm praying for rain and I'm praying for tidal waves, 

I wanna see the ground give way. I wanna watch it all go down.






I see purple . . . 





Eine halbe Tasse Staubzucker Ein Viertel Teelöffel Salz Eine Messerspitze türkisches Haschisch Ein halbes Pfund Butter Ein Teelöffel Vanillenzucker Ein halbes Pfund Mehl Einhundertfünfzig Gramm gemahlene Nüsse Ein wenig extra Staubzucker ... und keine Eier In eine Schüssel geben Butter einrühren Gemahlene Nüsse zugeben und Den Teig verkneten Augenballgroße Stücke vom Teig formen Im Staubzucker wälzen und Sagt die Zauberwörter Simsalbimbamba Saladu Saladim Auf ein gefettetes Backblech legen und Bei zweihundert Grad für fünfzehn Minuten backen und KEINE EIER Bei zweihundert Grad für fünfzehn Minuten backen und Keine Eier ..





A Work in Progress, in no particular order . . .



Whose to say artificial reality has less value than actual reality?

Perception is really all that matters.

Perhaps it is a virtue to be just dumb enough to not realize that your life could be better.

Personal gratification is all that matters. If you disagree, you are either too dumb to get 
it, or too smart to get it.

Personal gratification is everything. Practicing within reasonable limits helps to insure the 
potential for gratification tomorrow. This may be important.

It's not that goals are bad, they just need to be inline with the potential for future 

Living with nothing, can't be better than dying with (everything - strike) anything.

Being alone is not nearly as bad as feeling alone.

realizing your life has no real meaning is inevitable for anyone with a clue. Arguing about 
it is futile. Thinking ANYONE will remember who you are a couple of hundred years from now, 
is like playing the lotto because you think you can win. 

The previous statement implies that the length of your life is irrelevant as well. This also 
implies that the length of the life of others is irrelevant. And this leads to the idea that 
attempting to make impressions on others is futile, given that these impression will not live 
longer than either of you. This is not to say that one should not consider the implication 
that one will most likely be around tomorrow and that personal gratification will be important 
then as well. 

Call it honor, sacrifice, selflessness, or whatever, you do it because it makes you feel good. 
In other words, self gratification. Think about it, you now it is true. Every action is 
about self gratification, just maybe not the one that creates the best results. 

Think about the moment where you mouth makes that Ultimate smile. Those moments are key. 
Since we have established the length of life is irrelevant, it seems the important thing is 
that the most, or more likely the majority of your existence is about those moments. 

Fuck the latte principal. If I have to chose between a coffee and driving in a Porsche as a 
young lad vs skipping it all and getting the "best retirement", it is not a hard call. This 
principle affects a very small group of people while having very limiting results. Do it up 
while you are young, fuck waiting around until you are old. Besides, these fucking morons 
don't understand the value of a good espresso to those of us without a life. And you KNOW 
they are drinking the good coffee while counting the money they made off the dumbass mother 
fuckers that bought the book.

I would NEVER tell you my idea of self gratification is better than yours, but I might argue 
that you have not faced the idea that you are not living out your idea of self gratification. 

The grind is the sure way to help forget that your life sucks.

Sometimes the alternative is worse, sometimes it just seems worse. Most times it is easier to 
not think about it.



 It's getting colder . . . 

It's getting colder . . . 

It's getting colder . . . 

It's getting colder . . . 

It's getting colder . . . 

It's getting colder . . . 

It's getting colder . . .

Locked in a place where no one goes!





At best, eventually it doesn't matter . . . 




At "second" best, you forget that it eventually doesn't matter . . .  





won't you come and save me . . . 


Would you die for me?     Don't you fucking LIE!!




I would die for you . . .







I am not sure I knew why it was my

favorite song until right now, crazy!





























































I think the thing is only loud so you don't hear the tech say, holy shit, look at that. As someone once said, dead is an improvement on a lot of things I can think of!




Things are rolling now. Answers will be nice. Uncertainty can be a bitch. I don't really care which direction I go, just need to get going. Not that I mind being a spectator. Just as a matter of self interest.




Mom's gone and I made the call. I guess only time will tell. Is there anybody left to care? I know I don't.




Wow, life is tough. As a matter of fact, life sucks. Nothing a little booze can help with. Things are coming together pretty fast now. That's ok. The interesting thought of the day is that it won't be long before all the good reasons for being are gone. Again, I am content on very little these days, even remined now and again by simple things like a smile or a laugh. Sounds corny, I know, but it was the context of the situation. Anyway, I will soon have means to make it work, or I will have no reasons left. Either way, I am ok. I am ok with whatever happens. I will find out soon enough. The reasons for not having all the answers are going away quickly, so I will search for the truth. It is really more about planning than anything else. As I said before (It seems fitting), I am Kevin's wasted life. What else can I say?




Ok, so one thing, I promised myself I would not edit anything, but the whole thing about making people feel guilty . . . well it is not about that.  Just a side note.




Everyone hear the clack of the pills . . . catchy tune.  No suprise I feel better when I am buzzed, or at least I don't care as much.  Anyway, don't take any of this too serious, it is just my rant to myself.  One thing I should say is that I figure everyone who is important to me knows how I feel about them and doesn't need to hear it from me.  If you don't know this, then surely you ended up here by accident which would be cool too.  Good days and bad, just hope my mom stays happy.  She seems to be right now, which is all that matters.  Sometimes I worry about what people will think, but on any "real" scale, nothing really matters, since anyone who might even care for a second will be gone soon enough.  Becoming a star that is worth remembering sounds like too much work, even on the dark side of things.  Well, again, none of it means anything, just maybe a tad bit of clarification on my way out.  I don't really care, so you shouldn't.  About me anyway.  If you learned anything from me, cool, pass it on.  If not, well fuck you.  ;)




I have thought about it for a long time, trying to figure out the best way to do this and I have decided that that is part the problem. I am just going to start and see how it goes. It is possible that my condition makes it easier to not care how I do it. I know there is a problem, I have known for a long time. I guess I just don't care much anymore. I want people to know and feel sorry for me, but I don't want anyone to know. Does that make sense? I want there to be a record that someone might find. To make people feel guilty? Maybe, but . . . I just don't know. At this point I just hope my mother never has to find out about it. Does that mean I want her to die soon? No, but if she is going to go anyway, maybe first is best.

I am Kevin's wasted life. What else can I say?


































If there is no god, then life really has no meaning.